28 years...

So today was my 28th birthday - no biggie.... i seem to lack that sense of fear that i am getting older at this point in my life... i had a pretty good day... lots of hugs and kisses from p, lots of birthday wishes, watched the kids in the pool, and even went to ribfest to watch g & p ride the rides... and got to ride one with g (that girl is wanting to be more and more independent each day!) i do however feel a little bummed... i wrongly expected to hear a mutter of "happy birthday" or "i am happy to celebrate" from a couple people in my life... is this what happens as birthdays continue and you have children of your own? i know i have forgotten many things in my life... and i guess i know how it feels.... so they are forgiven and i still love them... just sometimes hurts...
i also have some feelings about someone to remain nameless.... (starts with BIG and joins with P)... not thinking ahead for the now 10th year we have been together on my birthday and attempting to do something nice... it's bothersome to me... when his birthday comes i get excited and try to be creative and do something sweet and personal... i love being able to share his day... just kind of sucks the fun out of it anymore when my birthdays have gone wrong so many times with him... i love him and he knows it, but to me for some reason birthdays are so much more...
i am not sad about the getting old part and becoming 1 year closer to the end... but i am disappointed in the slow disappearance of the celebration of life.... a person is born and all celebrate... the years go by and typically are celebrated for surviving another year and achieving goals from past... now it seems more like a forced party... argh....
i'll stop here... and look at this in a better light: Yay for WONDERFUL friends that are there for me ALL year long and show me daily they are happy i am alive and thriving!  Yay for a STRONG family connection to depend on and love me no matter what! Yay for lil P who can brighten my day and fills my heart with love when it sometimes seems to start draining! Yay for shelter, clothes, food, and money along with some sweet surprises in life! Yay for surviving another year and looking forward to many more! Yay for the possibility of a better birthday with him and those that may have forgotten next year!

Creativity and inspiration is good for the soul....

Oddly enough... I think this may be my place to start on the road to all that I am seeking (serenity, the ability to forgive, forgiveness for myself, confidence, my social skills, my organized brain, etc.) 

I need a hobby... something to look forward to... something to be proud of.... so I am taking what summer I have left and I will be making things.... 

These hands do not belong to a perfectionist, but in my mind the lack of perfection is perfect to me = )

Here are a few of the things I have made fairly recently: 

  

Not that you can tell from the photo, but the tie Cade is wearing also does double duty as a pacifier holder so he is never left without it!

 Hairbow for P = )

Mom's new hairbow 

 LOL - silly outfit

I made the hairbow & got a great deal on this outfit!

 4th of July korker bow

Heart/Purple/Pink bow

 Bumblebee piggies

 Red and white checkered piggies

 

Tutu, Shirt, and headpiece (inspiration came from the most awesome puppet ever!!!) - I think this is my favorite!

 Blue jean piggies

 Rhinestone flower

 

Easter Bunny Shirt w/ fuzzy tail

 Back of Elvis shirt

 

Can't see the P, but I made the bow and skirt/shirt 

(well jazzed up)

 Headband, shirt, and tutu - 4th of July

 Tutu & Shirt for Rockin Out at G's games

 One of the first korker bows

 Another early bow

 Bow to match outfit

 P's mini flip-flop bow and Gabby's matching larger flip flop bow

 Hair piece and dress made by me

I like to make these things... mainly because I love my daughter... but it is good to have a hobby... i am hoping to find in all that is missing... some new light through the creativity of my non-perfect self = )

Me

I'm not as outgoing and exuberant as I once was... I know I sound like an old lady complaining, but I've been reflecting lately on the road that has led me to where I currently stand. I am a shell of the person I used to be.  I am feeling unsuccessful in this world.  There is not much I flourish in.  I am never one to finish anything with a sense of accomplishment.  I am always looking for reassurance.  

One thing that is very bothersome is that I am no longer sure of how to interact with others... this is something that used to be fairly easy for me to do.  I am often filled with anger, frustration, and always on the verge of feeling another let down is on the way.   I don't like this version of me.  I want to trust again. I want true friends. I want to be able to communicate freely without that awkwardness that continues to creep up.  I want my solid mind back.  I don't care much for the disorganized brain that has taken over.  I can't remember things as well and it leaves me feeling like I disappoint those around me.  
I need a boost.  I need new light.  I need serenity.  I need forgiveness.  I need to let go.  I have a heavy cloud that surrounds me and weighs down my thoughts and heart.  I want to be a better person.  I want to be a better mother, daughter, sister, wife, friend, and teacher.  I am just not quite sure where to begin.  How to forgive those that I have allowed to eat away at who I used to be?  I let them tear me down and it has completely changed the existence of the future I once had pictured.  I know I am the one that controls this... I just need to find the right place to start...